Alba Rain
“She taught me that fear is not an option.”
I had some general anxieties surrounding labor and birth, but they were mostly worries of the unknown. In my mind, there was a baby girl that needed to be Earth side, and I had no option but to help her get here, so it wasn’t something I dwelled on much or even fully absorbed until it was time. I knew childbirth couldn’t be easy, but I also fell back on this consideration that so many women do it, so surely I would be fine. Let’s just say, I underestimated the most difficult battle that my body would ever endure. And I didn’t know the strength that would come to light when fear was not an option.
Labor
I was 39 weeks and 3 days when my contractions started at 7:15pm that night, or at least, that’s when I officially realized I was having contractions. But I remember telling my mom that I was feeling pressure earlier that day, like Alba felt really low in my belly.
The contractions started out pretty easy to manage. They were coming in 15 minute intervals and slowly increased in frequency.
I knew we had time to labor, so we started to prepare. We took our dog, Romo, to play frisbee at a park nearby, we both showered, we packed up all of the last minute things, and we headed to the hospital around midnight. (We followed the “411” rule to know when it was time, and I was tracking all of my contractions in the Notes app on my iPhone.). We were really very calm considering this was our first!
Epidural
At around 3:00am, I was 4 and a half cm dilated, so they gave me the epidural. But I noticed that it was only effective on half of my body, so half of me was still feeling the contractions, and it was uncomfortable. They brought in the anesthesiologist to re-administer the epidural, and this was honestly one of the hardest parts of my labor. Long story, short, she was struggling to administer it. It took her over an hour to find the spot in my spine. And in that hour, I was required to hunch over, seated, while getting poked numerous times and managing contractions with no medication. I had never felt pain like that in my life. The pain was so intense that it was making me nauseous. Garrett had to grab me a bucket. The anesthesiologist assured us that she’s done thousands of epidurals, but she’s never had as much trouble as she was having with me. It was frustrating, exhausting, and a physical and mental war with myself.
Once it finally worked, I was basically immobile from the waist down. I couldn’t move my legs, and I still wonder if that interfered with my ability and strength to push.
Birth Team
I was pretty relaxed about a birthing plan and didn’t have any specialized requests, but I knew I wanted my team. I had my husband, my mom, my dad, and my mother-in-law in the birthing room with me. I know, that’s a crew! But I felt like this was such a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I wanted to share it. I wanted the people who care about us most to be in there cheering me on, and I’m so glad that they were my support team because I couldn’t have done it without them.
Every Mama’s needs and expectations are going to be different with each labor, and I have absolutely no regrets with who was included in my birth team for both of my daughters’ births. I was someone who felt stronger with the support, encouragement, and advocacy of the people whom I trust and respect most in my life, and I would have them by side all over again.
If you can, comprise your birth team of people whose intuitions you trust.
Communicate your wishes and plans with your significant other beforehand, so they can advocate for you.
Taking birthing classes can help initiate those conversations.
If you can, comprise your birth team of people whose intuitions you trust.
Communicate your wishes and plans with your significant other beforehand, so they can advocate for you.
Taking birthing classes can help initiate those conversations.
Time to Push
Around 2:30pm the next day, it was time to push. I pushed for two hours. I was so fatigued, so depleted, and still being urged to exert everything I had! It was more than I had mentally prepared for, and in hindsight, I wish I had been more knowledgeable about what I was going into. I’m the type of person who needs to mentally prepare myself for challenges, and I just didn’t feel ready for this.
Something that made the labor more difficult for me was that everybody in the room kept telling me I was so close. That was encouraging, but then an hour later, I’m thinking, I thought I was close? At one point, they asked if I wanted to see in a mirror. I did, but that was also discouraging because it didn’t even look like she was close to coming out, and I was already so exhausted.
The doctor finally told me that if I didn’t push her out on the next contraction, they would have to do an episiotomy. I didn’t believe her. I thought it was just her urging me! But sure enough, I couldn’t get her out, so they had to intervene.
Earth Side
Alba Rain was born at 4:29pm. 7 lbs. and 13 oz. 22″ long. Garrett and I just cried.
In that moment, we were the only three in the room, and we did it.
Postpartum
Her umbilical cord was briefly wrapped around her neck, so she didn’t immediately cry. They took her from us to the NICU, but she was back in our arms after a couple hours, thank goodness. My first visitor was my childhood best friend, and she brought me a Subway sandwich and Coke, two things I gave up during that pregnancy that I was absolutely craving. I still remember her and I just broke down crying as soon as she walked in. There was just so much strength, fearlessness, and power involved in bringing life into this world, that I think there’s this huge release of vulnerability once it’s over.
The End
My first birth was an out of body experience.
It really was a series of events that blurred together, especially the nights we spent in the hospital after she was born before we could go home. I felt like I was half alive, functioning just enough to care for Alba, and only alert when a nurse came in to wake us up. It’s something I always text Mamas who are close to me and in labor about; I remind them to pause, be present, and just take it all in.
I never felt stronger than I did after giving birth.
Birth doesn’t just create a baby. It creates a Mama.
And I genuinely felt unafraid of pain and deeply aware of what I was made of.
Labor is almost like this metamorphosis. Mamas undergo this ethereal transition, and we aren’t the same ever again.
We spend seasons pursuing harmony with this new identity until we know this beautiful, new form.
Written by Erika James
